As my due date approaches in about five weeks, I have become increasingly irritable and impatient. This new mood of mine is not meshing well with my very opinionated three-year-old's bossy attitude. She is so demanding and challenging and I am so tired and impatient! Its a bad combo!
Emily is all of the things I dreamed my daughter would be and even some things I wouldn't have thought of on my own. She is very thoughtful (even at three), she loves animals, she is goofy, she is highly intelligent, she is a "tom-boy", she is a lover of outdoors, and she is even a good little artist. But we all have our faults and she is also very very strong willed (stubborn) and has a terrible temper! I have always been happy that my daughter is strong willed because I don't want anyone pushing her around; however, there is a down side to a strong-willed child! It makes parenting extra challenging! Everything is a fight or a struggle or a bargain! Its like I have a preview into puberty already and it aint pretty! When this little one hits twelve, look out world!!!
When she is at preschool, she has a strong will, but generally doesn't yell or have a violent temper and that is great... no one wants to have the kid that yells and hits and kicks! But once she gets home, she feels comfortable to act out and let loose. She especially loves being contrary about everything to me. Now I know this is just the mother-daughter dynamic and that she also feels the most comfortable with me to try out these fun little behaviors, but I am so dam sick of being tested by her! It is exhausting! No matter what I offer her, she wants something else! Sometimes for no good reason she will just say "Mommy go away" or "Mommy, I don't like you" in her best mean-girl voice as she snarls her little face at me. She has kicked and hit me out of anger for not getting her way. She has screamed and yelled and thrown numerous fits for very minor differences in opinion. In fact in an attempted Target shopping trip yesterday, she threw a huge crazy fit in the store entrance and refused to come shopping with me because she just wanted to go home and pet the neighbor's cat (don't worry, I didn't let her). She does this a little with my husband and her grandparents who are also her day-care providers while we are at work, but nothing compares to the rage that she throws my way. It is so hard to stay calm and be the adult sometimes! I will admit, sometimes I find myself yelling ridiculous things and realize that I have stooped to her level! It is the worst! I am the grown up! I feel so defeated when I let her get to me like that! I don't want to be the mom who is always screaming at her kids who don't really respect or listen to her anyways (we all know one of those moms). I have to constantly remind myself to stay calm (at least on the outside).
Now, don't get me wrong, all of our time together isn't this terrible, but when it is bad, it is very very bad! At the same time, we do share a special bond that no one else has and for that I am lucky (I have to remind myself of this during the crazy child times). No one can comfort her like I do and that is something that is very special! When she is sad or gets hurt or is sick, she wants Mommy! That is a nice feeling! I am loved and needed and feel that way most of the time. I just wish she would be nicer to me I suppose!
At this point in my pregnancy, I just feel helpless with her sometimes when we are alone! If she is throwing a huge fit I can't just pick her up! She weighs 45 pounds - she is a very big and tall three year old and I don't want lifting her to put me into preterm labor! I also just don't feel good! She wants me to get on the floor and do building blocks with her and all sorts of things that I am physically not able to do without inflicting pain on myself. I am usually a very hands-on mom! I love to get down on the floor and play with her! It makes me feel so bad that I can't do as much as I used to! I hate having to tell her that mommy can't lift her or play on the floor with her. I am such a drag as a parent right now - probably as a wife too!
I feel like I have lost track of my intended blog for the day! Uh oh! My final thought is that I think that mother-nature makes you super miserable during the last month or so of pregnancy so that you don't freak out about child birth! You are so uncomfortable, tired, moody, and hot that you really just want that baby out of there no matter how it has to happen! I just want the baby to be out so I can snuggle her, my body to be back to normal, and to be able to play with my three-year-old again! That is where I am at! Five weeks left and I am physically and emotionally done!
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